Finding a place of safety -- or the experience of quiet peace
Jun 21, 2012
My apologies for taking so long to write this post -- I think I was expecting too much of myself, after seeing posts like the following from Storied Mind -- [link] -- I didn't "feel" as if that was THE answer, and I think I was expecting myself to provide you with THE answer to how to find THE place of safety for yourself, as if THE place of safety really exists, for anyone! I'm sorry, I don't believe that now. I think the reason I was finding it so hard was because I knew I had lost A "place" of safety and no longer felt as if I had one, with loss of my work status, my inability to pursue formal study -- both crucial in "escaping" from my early adverse family circumstances and finding a grounding in the "normal" world.
But, of course, and thankfully, there is no such thing as "a place of safety", there are certainly "places" where we feel safer, but this feeling, of safety, of security, of the sort of peace referred to in the Storied Mind blog, really have nothing to do with "places" (though we can and often do unconsciously respond with greater feelings of inner peace to some circumstances in some places). And it really has nothing to do with a supernatural ability to "stop time". Rather our relationship with time alters, and we can develop this ability to alter our relationship with time, so that we become more able, and more flexible, in the range of experiences we can have with time; and we can develop the ability to bring about this change IN A MOMENT. Therein lies the first part of the key "in A moment", or rather THE moment -- yes, I'm talking about -- MINDFULNESS, mindfulness in the present moment, mindfulness of the present moment, the sense of time stopping comes from the fact that you're just less mindful of the past experiences you've had, you're less aware of the future experiences you may be afraid of, not that these inner experiences go away, but your relationship with them is different, you're less invested, emotionally and intellectually, in them.
Just how did I come about this greater sense of peace? -- because I truly had been experiencing a period of great emotional distress.
I became actively involved in taking action in the service of values I hold dear. I communicated to others my feelings about my past experience of sexual abuse, and my current circumstances -- communication in such a way can sure do a lot to help one confront and accept the feelings one has been avoiding for so long; and engaging in committed action can help one feel worthwhile, valid, and doing something worth doing -- that you, as you are, can still do something worth doing, even in the context of NOT having your previous place of safety -- you can be very afraid, yet still carry on, on faith -- like Lou Reed said in his song "you gotta have faith", even when all those socially conventional things aren't deliverin', you can still go on.
What am I doing that's values based? My friend, Wayne, a victim of childhood abuse and trauma died in August last year, he was a "male survivor of sexual abuse", and I hope to contribute to the story of survivors of childhood abuse becoming better known and understood. Coming up, I think on Saturday 30th June, is a newspaper story -- I spent some time yesterday talking to a journo from the Otago Daily Times, here in Dunedin, and he's writing a story about the experience of adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse and this will be your chance to see me "in the flesh" -- I'm seeing a photographer tomorrow, as I've given my consent for both my name and my photograph to be included with the story.
And the feelings? Well, put it like this -- there's a metaphor in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy about "leaves on a stream" -- the feelings are like the leaves, it's not that they don't touch, and don't disturb, the surface of the water, but the water flows along on its course, "where it's supposed to go", where it wants to go, given the nature of the water. And yes, it does help with those unpleasant feelings, although that's not WHY I'm taking the valued action -- it's just my experiencing a side effect of taking the action. And it doesn't come immediately, but it's at least potentially available to me WHEREVER I am, it's not dependent on a "place" of safety.
The "leaves on a stream" metaphor, and mindfulness practice of which it's a part, are aspects of "cognitive defusion" -- see page 16 of this article by Fletcher and Hayes for a further discussion of this concept.