SELF-HELP RESOURCES
COMPASSION & SELF-COMPASSION
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY !!
In my page on dealing with irritability [LINK], I mentioned the role that shame can have in triggering self-defensive reactions (and how this can escalate feelings of irritability, directing you to the blog on Storied Mind "The Anger of Depression" -- [LINK]) -- we're hypersensitive to perceived attacks, fearing we'll be exposed to the same trauma we experienced earlier in our lives. As a result we can try to "short-circuit" the feared progression from initial attack to further abuse and trauma. Abundant research evidence has shown experimentally that those exposed to emotional abuse during childhood may later go on to mis-interpret such stimuli as neutral facial expressions as negative -- e.g., Thomaes et al (2009 [LINK]), Preißler et al (2010) [LINK]. This research has been extended to perception of situations and, coupled with difficulty regulating emotional arousal, may underlie ineffective response to a number of otherwise normal everyday experiences -- "impaired social cognition".
In order to better cope with these "impulses" we need to not be surprised when they occur -- overlearned habits developed to protect you are being triggered again (most likely, unnecessarily) -- "recognise what's occurring"; not judge ourselves when they occur -- "accept/allow" ourselves as we are; ask ourselves if we need to respond the same way again -- "investigate"; recognise ourselves in the moment rather than back then -- "not identify" yourself as being the same person, in the same circumstances, as had to react that way in the past -- in mindfulness terms this is often summarised as R. A. I. N. -- see the post by Tara Brach linked at the end of this page. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy takes this Acceptance component further by basing one's next chosen Action on one's values and goals. A series of steps can be followed as given below. In the first instance, one doesn't ruminate on whether or not one "gets it right" -- that would involve unnecessary non-acceptance and judgement of oneself. One allows oneself to get it wrong, if that happens, re-committing to one's value of trying to improve on the effort next time.
John Earle, from his book "Waking Up, Learning What Your Life is Trying to Teach You"
We need to feel that we deserve consideration, that we are worth listening to, before we will listen to our inner truth and express our feelings and ideas to others. To realize that one is indeed "OK" is the key step that makes personal growth possible. It is this from within this openness to compassion for ourselves that we find compassion for others.
Don’t catastrophize knock backs
If you get a rejection, it doesn’t mean you’re never going to be successful.
If you get negative feedback on a piece of work, it doesn’t mean you have no capacity to become better at it or that you’re not talented.
If you find yourself personalizing, ask yourself whether you’re catastrophizing.
Be gentler to yourself about your imperfections, mistakes, and times when you’re not as good at something as you’d like to be.
If you can learn to be nicer to yourself about your imperfections, you won’t automatically jump to feeling attacked when other people make comments.
Frame not personalizing as a positive goal
For example, frame not personalizing at work as part of being professional and robust. Recognize that if you show that you don’t excessively personalize negative feedback (at work and in your personal relationships), people will be more likely to give you accurate feedback rather than give you confusing feedback because they’re attempting to protect your feelings.
Learn to label your emotions accurately
Emotions drive thoughts as much as thoughts drive emotions.
What emotions trigger personalizing for you? e.g., anxiety, embarrassment, disappointment, anger.
If you can label your emotional reactions accurately, you can then focus on doing some appropriate self care to deal with that emotion. Once the emotion subsides, so will the personalizing. A lot of the time, appropriate self care for emotions just involves accepting that you’re having the emotion and patiently waiting for it to pass. The things people do to try to “get rid of” their emotions usually end up causing more harm than good.
Put yourself in situations in which rejection is likely (but doesn’t have any major negative consequences)
Doing things like making requests when you expect you might be told “no” will help you learn that rejection often isn’t personal. Learning through doing behavioral experiments is the BEST way to change thoughts.
Don’t try to overcompensate for fears of not being liked by being excessively eager to please.
People who personalize often have attachment anxiety. If you act excessively eager to please, you’ll just end up believing that it’s the only way to be accepted. Be warm but have good boundaries.
Believe in your capacity to become someone that doesn’t excessively personalize things.
I see a lot of people who seem to have accepted that they’re doomed to a life time of being ruminators etc. You can change your cognitive style.
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
“Seek first to understand” involves a deep shift in thinking style. We typically seek first to be understood, to "get our point across", and then complain when others are "thick", "don't get it". Instead, most people listen to the reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. Empathetic listening is listening with the intent to understand.
Empathetic listening, compassionate understanding, is powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. It takes time, but nowhere near the time that it takes to back up and correct misunderstandings when you’re already miles down the road.
As you learn to listen deeply to other people, you will discover tremendous differences in perception. You will also begin to appreciate the impact these differences can have as people try to work together in inter-dependent situations.
There are three words that contain the essence of seeking first to understand and making effective presentations:
Ethos — your personal credibility, the trust you inspire.
Pathos — your empathetic side, showing you are in alignment with the emotional thrust of another person’s communication.
Logos — the reasoning part of the presentation.
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!
Like any skill, but especially, mindfulness and emotion management skills, the more often you put these skills into practice, the more often you "process" new linkages between more effective thinking, behaving, and emoting, the more successfully you will manage challenges to your abilities to cope with self, personal and social regulation difficulties.
Learn that we can only speak for ourselves.
"To be a deep listener, one of the first things we have to do is give up the need and the desire to give advice. Knowing answers does not require stating them; there are times when offering answers is not helpful, as when a person is in the middle of their own learning process."
It is tempting to offer someone an insight that you feel is just out of their reach, but to do so is to deny them the empowerment of discovery, especially the discovery of their own inner truth - which may turn out to be a different insight from our own in any case
RELATED RESOURCES:
Working With Difficulties: The Blessings of RAIN
by Tara Brach [LINK]
REFERENCES
Kühnpast, N., Gramann, K., & Pollatos, O. (2012). Electrophysiologic Evidence for Multilevel Deficits in Emotional Face Processing in Patients With Bulimia Nervosa. Psychosomatic Medicine. doi:10.1097/PSY.0b013e31825ca15a
Preißler, S., Dziobek, I., Ritter, K., Heekeren, H. R., & Roepke, S. (2010). Social Cognition in Borderline Personality Disorder: Evidence for Disturbed Recognition of the Emotions, Thoughts, and Intentions of others. Frontiers in behavioral neuroscience, 4(December), 182. doi:10.3389/fnbeh.2010.00182
Thomaes, K., Dorrepaal, E., Draijer, N. P. J., De Ruiter, M. B., Elzinga, B. M., Van Balkom, A. J., Smoor, P. L. M., et al. (2009). Increased activation of the left hippocampus region in Complex PTSD during encoding and recognition of emotional words: a pilot study. Psychiatry Research, 171(1), 44–53.